etherealbeing

Had a totally blast weekend. And hope I could carry it through in days to come.

It’s a good Monday cheering up after a relaxing weekend stay at the Holiday Inn -Galleria. I’m with the craziest people and it felt good goofing around and bonding at the same time even though our primary purpose was to discuss about the arrangement of Sai’s forthcoming wedding. We spent only a little time extracting every single detail for the wedding which afterwards, all were fun, laughs and lots of picture taking.

We’ll be seeing each other next week, on the other soil- Singapore. More adventures and laughters altogether. The reason why I’m all ecstatic and thrilled in the coming days. Hasta La Vista Amigos!

I will begin packing my things and prepare for yet another move. But not my last. No, I think I’ve decided. It’s not my last.

It’s moving time again. Another one of many moves I’ve done in my life. I’m even going to go on an airplane again and see another place. Another stamp on the visa. Airport terminals, airplane food, reading my book in strange places, hotel rooms??? I don’t think so!, feeling all man-of-the-world again. So there will be motion again. Always.

Sometimes you already find your home and you know exactly who they are but the big wide world is still out there. And some foot prints need to be made. A whole world to explore. Parallel worlds, different people, a different kind of hunger altogether. The adventure never ends, only the adventurer. Sometimes you already find your home and what’s wonderful about it is that if you found it once, you can find it again. And the true home, no matter how far you decide to go, will always be waiting for you when you come back. And people can be like turtles, they bring their homes with them wherever they go.

It’s another move but not my last. I heard what I’ve needed to hear in the past few days. Living in and out of boxes. The address changes but I know where to find the feeling when I need it. That comfort and security. I know who to run to for that. I know exactly where they are.

I got to do this now and say this now before it eats me up inside. I’m not letting this little demon fester and give it a home anywhere inside of me. I’m in a better place now. I’m not going back there. I just read a couple of old blog entries from the past… from way long ago and all of a sudden, it all comes back creeping in like some monster.

Well, sorry, I’m tougher now and I’m happier now and I know who I am. Go bark on someone else’s tree. I won’t give in.

But I have to do this now and say it so I can just forget I ever managed to feel this way again after everything.

I’ll just admit it that it hit me and let it be done. Let it all be over.

Well, as they say- C’est Lavie!

I’m going away for a few days and I think it will be a wonderful reprieve. I need to get out of my own skin for a while. I had no idea that there were stuffs in there that was getting to me. I hate this ambush meltdowns. I am so used to being happy. But I’ve got new weapons. I’m killing this here and now.

I’m going off radar. I’m closing shop. Just 3 days. 3 days. Invisible mode.

A collection of doubts. An anthology of good days. An act, an attitude that makes people laugh. Make ‘em laugh. Sell it. No, don’t sell it. Give it away for free. I’m good at that. Giving away everything for free. You know? Nobody does that. Nobody gives anything for free. Everyone is so stingy. Everyone is so careful. I see nothing wrong with giving it all. I never get empty. I never get run out. I’m always understanding. I’m always trying to understand. And sometimes I get tired. I get tired too. But I don’t get tired of giving. I just need to rest a bit and put both feet on the ground and then I can give again.

I like giving. I love it. I love being able to. I love being able to identify wants and needs and being able to supply it. There’s not much demand for something like that. In fact, I’ve been criticized for it a lot. But I’m still me. And I’ve always been me. And I’ve never stopped being me. It is me. That’s me. The Giving Tree. What is so wrong with that?

There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.

I’ve been writing again. Writing little things. Writing songs. Writing drafts of poems. Writing little one page essays and keeping them in my computer. Writing and writing. Filling up the pages. I’m writing again. For what purpose? I don’t know. I’m just writing. I’m just writing again.

That’s me giving of me again. And I think I know what you’re thinking…

Mother Teresa said: I know God wouldn’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.

Neil Stephenson said: In memory, all is golden.

Today I told someone that if you stop believing, then there’s no point of being alive. I never believed in miracles. Well, that’s not true. I do believe in miracles. I just don’t believe they happen to me. Never one to be the subject of a sudden outburst of blessings. I think I’ve worked hard for everything I’ve gotten.

I’m not one to believe in miracles. I work really hard. If I like something, I work hard to make sure I gain it. I don’t just thank my lucky stars that someone entered my life. I do what I can to make them stay.

The lottery are for some other folks. Luck is for the lady in red. I was meant to be a work horse.

Miracles. I really don’t know if I believe in them. But right now, with what had happened and what might transpire, I might have to start believing. Never asked much from anyone or the world. I just wanted a chance to do my thing and hopefully someone liked it enough for me to continue doing it.

Strange encounters. You end up feeling like you are someone in a book or a movie. Then you hang out with friends and you end up feeling like you are in a comedy. How do you do it? Even I, don’t know. I took a short moment of realization to marvel at myself. When did I get so grown up? When did I get so capable of doing anything much less four things at once? I have a talk to a friend and I realized what constitutes the big chunk of the “why.” The “why.” Why do we still do it? I don’t know. No, I do know and I know if I stop believing then there’s no point to continue. Taking a journey for the sake of a journey doesn’t make much sense to me. There’s got to be a point to it, even if it’s something as silly as being silly.

I look around at my new surroundings. It’s hyper-reality. It’s like a movie, the moment I step out into the street. I look at my life and I get amazed. It’s like a movie too. I wonder who is watching, though. And I hope they are getting their money’s worth. That’s what it is all about too, sometimes, making sure someone is getting his money’s worth. That’s what I want. I want to give everyone their money’s worth.

It’s a show. It’s all a show. Make ‘em laugh and make them feel they got the full value of what they paid. What did they pay with? Their time. Their attention. Dare I say it, with their love? Love ‘em back with all you got. That’s what I say. Miracles. It happens everyday. The little ones. Snap shots of little moments when you realized who you’ve become and you are actually proud of yourself. Conversations with loved ones. A conversation with an absolute stranger whose going to change your life forever. Giving out love, giving it all and finding enough for more.

I won’t stop believing. Giving it all to whoever wants it, whoever needs it.

It has been a very strange day.

I’ve been plagued with stray thoughts, some random in a way that hasn’t struck me in a long, long time since I was kid. It has been a long time since thoughts like those have hit me. Not so much the thought itself but the randomness of it and how I was able to carry it through.

Pretty amazing. I’m living hand-to-mouth, every paycheck going straight to some one or some entity that I owe. I owe, I owe, so it’s off to work I go. But I’m such a fucking millionaire in thoughts and fantasies and dreams. How do I cash out some of those?

Gotta stay positive. Gotta stay strong. Can’t break down.

An old Spanish saying: He was so poor, so poor, so poor that the only thing he had was money.

Not everything is about money.

I don’t want to feel guilty because I’m having so much fun. I am juggling different tasks and enjoying every minute of it because I like what I do. And I know that there is an economic crisis and that the times are hard and people are suffering. I’m feeling the pinch myself. But I’m not letting it affect me. I’m still managing to have fun.

But the truth is, I’m not guilty at all. I figured out that the most important things in life are not the things that you have but what you can remember. The most important things in life are not what you own, but what you’ve gone through. Laughter is free, and for me, it’s more precious than gold.

I’m so thankful for my sense of humour. Without it, I think, I’d have gone sooner than later. I thank my Creator for having the ability to laugh at everything that comes my way, to laugh at myself (most importantly), and for being able to make others laugh too. It has saved me more times than I give it credit for.

And because of that, the economic crisis isn’t killing me at all. Life is still so enjoyable for me. I have been meeting up with old friends and catching up. I’m spending time with my friends and whether we are just watching a movie or just sitting down and having coffee, or even if we are just working, we’re having fun. It could be the simplest of things. It’s not what we are doing or where we are that matters. It’s how we spend that time together.

All the laughing and the memories, those things can’t be bought. And even if you forget them, you had them. And that’s more than enough for me.

Financial crisis? I laugh at the face of financial crisis. I’m working hard to keep myself afloat and I don’t mind. I like working. And life has been good. So very good.

Vincent Van Gogh said: Whoever lives sincerely and encounters much trouble and disappointment, but is not bowed by them, is worth more than one who has always sailed before the wind and has only known relative prosperity. One must never trust the times when one is without difficulties.

Life’s a game and everything it was prepped up to be.

Laughter, craziness, great big smiles, and goofing around.

I always hated charades when I was younger because I was always scared of looking like an idiot. Time had passed since then and I’m no longer scared about looking like an idiot. I really think I look like an idiot most of the time. I am so quick to act the part anyway. I’ve become very comfortable with not taking myself too seriously and for people to not take me too seriously. It keeps the atmosphere light.

What I’ve always been scared of was losing. I’m very competitive and my mean streak comes out during competitions. Even games. I take things too seriously and I like winning. I will say I’m a gracious winner. I don’t brag, I don’t gloat, I don’t rub it in. Victory is something that’s personal and for myself only. I’ll just do my big “Yes” when it happens and that’s it. I’ll smile and just try to be humble.

But losing is another matter entirely. It really cuts me straight into the bone. It brings back years of thinking I was never good enough, years of thinking I was always wrong. My defense mechanism has always been to be a comedic sore loser. Turn it into a big joke so that no one feels bad. Make fun of myself and makes everyone laugh at my defeat. I prize making people laugh more than I do winning. So if people can laugh at my being a sore loser, it sort of takes away from the self-flagellation that is sure to follow in my mind.

I’m glad I’m old enough to process these things and to counter it. I’ve learned to relax over the years and just be fun and just have fun.

I like this whole idea of not taking myself too seriously. Just do the job, make people laugh and have a good time, and go home with a big smile on my face and knowing everyone had a blast. That’s all there is to it. Knowing what is important and doing all I can to make it comes first. For me, it’s making sure everyone had a good time. And it can just be hanging out, window shopping, clubbing, a rant session, cleaning up, charity work, whatever. If I have it in me to try and make everything fun and funny, then I’ll do it.

But man, this time around, being older, being wiser, being more relaxed, I just go with the flow and make sure everyone laughs.

The destruction of the ego is almost complete.

There are two people I want to give thanks to:

I found peace and consolation talking to someone I barely knew which I never thought would impart something during this time of unfathomable crisis. And it was great. I feel good about myself. I had a nice conservation and I realized that I should not dwell to anything that’s happening with me too seriously.

I gained a new friend.

Every time I feel the need of commiseration from people, it was those times when I feel like everything with me is a fiasco. I put too much emphasis on my emotional bank that I can’t breathe.

I am happy that I took the effort to talk to a friend yesterday and everything turned into happy thoughts.

Whenever I’m meeting with my friends, it was always the smiles, the laughters that are pervading within the atmosphere. I never wanted to confide how I feel about the world as I see it, but what happened this time was, each of us has something to say. I mean, maybe its time to turn our worlds upside down. I thought that I was undergoing a difficult time, but when I hear her story
shame on me to complain about almost everything that going against my will. I hope and I pray it’ll gonna be alright.

“In this world, everything is a choice!”

Those words kept running on my head last night the moment I heard it. Yes, its perfectly true. We are bound with the choices we make every single day. We can be good or we can be evil. We can choose to be happy or we can be subtle and be lonely. That all depends on how we live our lives; on how we control our lives to whatever we aspire and we dream to become. And to go an extra mile just to obtain it.

I often used to wonder if people chose their lives? Or were they; like me, chosen by fate. But now, I realized that I paddle my own ship, I am the one who is in-charge to accept or reject what life has to offer. I’m old enough to know what can protect me and what can destroy me. I make things happen whether for the better or for the worse. I am fully accountable of my actions. And I take full responsibility to the choices I make- be it constructive or destructive.

I was struck with too much emotion thinking what went wrong? or finding a valid reason why I was treated like an acquittance and not a friend. I don’t know??? maybe; I was so assuming that I am friend. I’d like to think that I was and I still am. For a very long time with no communication at all, I was expecting that seeing someone would turn into something joyous and even a how do you do? thing- blah blah blah!. I was wrong. It just a simple Hi! and Goodbye!, nothing more- nothing less. As much as I wanted to invite for a coffee, I didn’t bother to do so after getting such a cold hearted reception.

But that’s not a reason to feel lonely and disturbed. After having a great weekend in Boracay with my relatives. I don’t need any negative impulse cause I’m in a blissful spirit. We really had a great and memorable time. It’s a fun experience and I think everybody enjoyed our quest to relax and enjoy what we have right now.

Now is the start to plan for our next trip. Hopefully, those who were not able to come with us will join us next time.